Movie Reviews Written Just For You

In Red Cliff (Chi bi), the people of China’s southlands face a power-hungry Prime Minister bent on taking over the entire country. Compelling story telling, exquisite visuals, and captivating battle scenes weave together to create a brilliant cinematic tapestry.
( Subtle, Beautiful, Exciting )

Twilight: New Moon is a 14 year old girl’s dream movie. It reminded me of the romances I had as a teenager – a wreck.

( So, like, some stuff happened, and then I did some stuff )

In 2012, the world sinks into… the world. A ridiculous, nonsensical, pseudo-comedic bit of film making, 2012 made me wish for the end of the world.

Metamorphosing gamma rays zingalinged the subterranean super magma in the core of the earth, when the sun had a temper tantrum and mutated the falafel crust. Meanwhile, writer and limo driver, nearly dead-beat father Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) takes his children camping in Yellowstone. While there, the kid’s mother, Kate (Amanda Pete), is one of the first affected by the rutabaga tectonic changes in the earth. As the earth begins to collapse, Jackson struggles to save his children, his ex wife, and her husband. They meet Caesars Palace and Bentley Automobiles along the way.

<lj-cut text="No really,it's that bad.">

Don’t believe that’s the plot? Well, too bad. The writers Roland Emmerich (also the director) and Harald Kloser didn’t bother to try to make sense with the science. They just string scientific words together and hoped no one would be smart enough to notice. Why not just say my grandma’s whirly-gig collection set in motion a series of earthquakes and tsunami’s that was powerful enough to wipe away all life? Or a team of butterfly enthusiasts trained butterflies to flap at the same time? That would make far more sense than the plot they offered up.

2012 gave me tendonitis in my jaw from overuse in two hours and forty minutes. Just when you think it will be a good old fashioned action movie, it becomes a tongue in cheek comedy. I spent the entire movie putting a tongue in my cheek, taking it out, grinding my teeth, putting it in, taking it out, grinding, in, out, grinding. (I’ll stop there because it’s beginning to sound a bit pornographic.)

If the push-pull wasn’t enough in theme, the film makers did it again with the plot. A good portion of the movie revolves around taking off, launching, peeling out, landing, parking or docking. The size of the cars, planes, boats, and ships changed, but the action is the same. Generally, the characters are saying, “Oh no, can we get to the (insert mode of transportation here) before the (select one: a. ground shifts underneath our feet, killing us when we are crunched in the core of the earth or b. fire comes from the sky and lands on our mode of transportation and burns us alive, or c. a sudden influx of water swirls around us, drowning us around our family) and the people who are relying on us.” Then they revel in the fact that they did in fact catch that (insert mode of transportation here), until they have to land it in a tenuous place. The only variation on the back and forth theme is the occasional awkward love related scene, be it romantic love, parental love or estranged love. Even this variation runs on a loop through 2012.

The special effects can’t live up to their name, either. They are just bad enough to make them seem artificial. They reminded me of those plastic trees that are almost good enough to pass for the real thing, but can’t, and it makes the person viewing them feel a bit stupid for almost falling for it.

Most infuriating about 2012 was the shameless and endless plot rewrites to fit the product placement and product features. Ceasars Palace in Las Vegas is as essential to the plot as their stop there. Yet we have to see chips, billboards, and hotel signs with their name and logo on it over and over and over again. Bentley bought extended prime marketing spots in the film. We see the logo, the characters say the name repeatedly, the writers don’t even try to pretend it isn’t product placement.

2012 is the longest 2 hours and forty minutes in recent memory. I might have been less exhausted if I had actually lived through this tragedy. I’m off to massage my jaw and cry a little bit for the loss of life in the theater – mine.

Over the past few weeks I've been talking with Skeptical Inquirer Magazine about writing reviews for skeptics on their website. I'm elated to say the kinks have been worked out and it's official; I'm their voice in the dark (theater).  This is a fantastic opportunity for me to write for people like me and I couldn't be more excited that it is with SI. It's more than a little embarassing how much I've been dancing around my house, the store, in bed, at the DMV, and in my car.

This is a huge opportunity for me, no only because this jumps me from strictly online reviews to potentially print but it also puts my foot in the door to write about things that really matter to me in the future.  I am by far the most average person at the magazine, which is mostly written by phd's, professors, and well respected scientists, etc.  It essentially spring boards me into a new league of both writers and skeptics.  It is an amazing jump in status, credibility and opportunity.   I'm psyched.

I hope you read some of my reviews or even subscribe to the magazine. 

http://www.csicop.org/publications

Animated and in 3D, Charles Dickens’ beloved holiday story, A Christmas Carol, spills onto screens again.  A garish demonstration of the capabilities of the new 3D technology, the story only pops out when it possesses an opportunity to show off the technology.
<lj-cut text="It's gets worse, much worse">
Scrooge (Jim Carrey) is a miserly old man who holds tight each penny in his pocket.  After his business partner, Marley (Gary Oldman) dies, Scrooge loses all perspective, turning even surlier than he was before.  Devoid of all Christmas spirit, Scrooge tries to drain the spirit out of everyone around him.  The spirits of Christmas Past, Present and Yet to Come (All voiced and drawn to look like Jim Carrey) warn him about the consequences of inhospitality and holding on to his money too tightly.  

Robert Zemeckis should hold his head in shame for such a disgusting display of technology driven plot.  He both “wrote” and “directed” this version of “A Christmas Carol.”  A responsible director-writer would make Marley, the Spirits and Scrooge feel like they within hands reach by re-arranging the 3D to places in the plot that are enhanced by the extra dimension.   Instead, he created a masturbatory mess.  

The plot is carved back to the bare minimum and stripped of all opportunity to connect with the audience emotionally.  In fact, Zemeckis relies heavily on that fact that A Christmas Carol is so ubiquitous that he commits the sin of Cliff’s Notes.  Taken on its face, having no prior knowledge of A Christmas Carol, a viewer would see it as shallow and infuriating.  The plot is replaced with scenes meant to show off the remarkable 3D technology.  3D Scenes drone on twice as long as the plot they are supposed to enhance.  The floor drops away, fingers are pointed at the audience, and characters are dangled from different angles.  In fact, no opportunity to sacrifice the plot for the technology was missed.

Even still, the 3D is so good, it might have been fun to watch this tech demo if the voice acting was varied, interesting and sincere.  It wasn’t.  Jim Carrey plays Scrooge in all five stages of his life, as well as the Ghost of Christmas Past, Present and Future and he does it terribly.  Scrooge lacks any depth, has no resonance, all changes seen seem forced and shallow.  The Ghost of Christmas Past can only be appreciated by a herpetologist or a speech pathologist and I am neither of those.  The Ghost of Christmas Present’s insipid laughter made me consider leaving the theater, but that would mean abandoning my mother-in-law in her seat, and even I’m not that mean.  The only saving grace in Carrey’s performance is that the Ghost of Christmas Future barely talks.

Radio Disney brought teams of children to see A Christmas Carol at the press screening I attended.  There were scenes that frightened the tiny so badly that they began to cry, scream and cuddle up in the arms of their mothers.  There were times during A Christmas Carol I considered jumping into my mother-in-law’s lap and cry like a baby.

This may go down as a rumble worthy topic at family holiday parties because my hubby’s-mummy liked A Christmas Carol.  I suggest instead of wasting money seeing such a despicable waste of a classic story, spend the same money seeing the play at a local theater.  

Marvelous reckless abandon in Cirque du Freak – The Vampire’s Assistant, falls prey to an invisible, ill timed hand of meaningless restraint.  The restraint is not only unnecessary, it puts a lampshade over the brilliance in this movie. 
<lj-cut text="Freak OUT">
Goodie-two-shoes Darren Shan (Chris Massoglia) and his bad influence friend Steve (Josh Hutcherson), sneak off to attend Cirque du Freak, a traveling freak show.  Amongst the standard freak show staples is a beautiful dancing spider, Octa owned by Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly) and Darren is instantly hooked.  His obsession with the spider leads him down a path that changes his life forever.

I don’t know if writers Paul Weitz and Brian Helgeland were fighting with the studio or with each other, but there is an obvious push-pull in Cirque du Freak – The Vampire’s Assistant which leaves the viewer with whiplash.  There are times during Cirque du Freak – The Vampire’s Assistant that I felt I was watching inspired film making.  At other times, the inspiration is sucked into a vacuum of despair.

 As is the theme with Cirque du Freak – The Vampire’s Assistant often, the conversations bounce between freakishly hysterical, and, not a moment later, is so bad the entire audience groaned, out loud while slapping their foreheads in disbelief.  Literally.
 At times, visuals were creative, interesting, glittering and spectacular.  The exaggerated sets and stunts are almost enough to make me giggle like a little girl. Just as quickly as the child-like snickering came, it disappeared, and all that was left were loud colors and dreadful purple lighting dimly illuminating half-developed characters.

It may not have even been that the colors were dreadful, but that the scenes lasted way too long.  Every aspect of Cirque du Freak – The Vampire’s Assistant lingered on screen long beyond its expiration date.  In fact, each exaggerated aspect takes up so much time, the filmmakers didn’t have time to include a complete plot.  They ended the movie somewhere around the middle of the plot, without a real climax and while leaving the door open for a sequel. 

Cirque du Freak – The Vampire’s Assistant strives to satisfy one’s senses of whimsy, adventure, and fantasy with a bit of cinematic candy but the filmmakers leave it in the mouth so long, it becomes nothing more than a gag. 

How the History of Credit Cards Matters to the Future of Health Care
Interstate politics, federal regulation and oversight can teach us which direction we should go in, which we need to avoid and provides much needed wisdom to the discussion.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/2190289/how_the_history_of_credit_cards_matters.html

Even motivational speakers can be stricken with bouts of insecurity and Burke is no different. Love Happens’ flat main characters are almost saved by complex and well portrayed secondary characters who steal the scenes whenever they are on screen.
( Love is a many splendid thing - except when it isn't )

There are few things that can get under my skin like the education system in America. We do not do enough to teach our kids about the real wonders in the world through logical inspection and we fail miserably to teach them to respect or understand history. Schools that respect the secular requirements of our government fail to impart the importance of these subjects. What education are we denying children when they are educated by a school district that makes “belief in god” a goal in their mission statement?
( Can a student get a proper education in that situation? )

I wrote an article against Kissimmee Florida’s City Council’s attempt to put “In God We Trust” on their city seal. The day after the article was written the Kissimmee City Council decided to quash the motion and their attempt to make their town a mini theocracy ended. A few days later, a man from Georgetown, Texas named Dave Atkinson wrote me a series of emails on the topic. His comments summarize the fear that many atheists have about being tolerant of even the nicest religious ideas. He left me asking myself; is it more damaging to society to refuse to confront religious ideas or to greet them with hostility?
( Read the Emails Below and Tell Me What You Think )

On August 20th, a collection of doctors in Santa Rosa, California, assembled on a corner and lobbied the public to support the public health care option. EmpireReport.org reporter, John Stiffler, interviewed some of the doctors and created a video. What do you think?

Doctors Demonstrate for a Public Option in Health Care Reform!!! from Jon Stiffler on Vimeo.

The Inglourious Basterds are sent into occupied France to “kill Nazis”, and killing is what they do; along with everyone else in the movie. Quirky dialogue, multi-dimensional characters, and special attention to the aesthetics wraps the audience in a unique movie-going experience.
( The Inglourious Basterds Fuck Shit Up )

It has been a crazy couple of weeks and writing has not come easily so I just threw together these short reviews of GI Joe, Julie and Julia, Away we Go, and Aliens in the Attic as well as a complete review on District 9. ( Just a sentence to tell you all )

When the Catholic Church in Korea tries to cure a disease, the treatment has unexpected consequences: vampires – of a sort. Unconventional, uncomfortable, shocking, hysterical, and fantastically entertaining, Thirst (Bakjwi) made me squirm with stomach-turning delight.

( Seat Squirming Sensational )

City Commission of Kissimmee, Florida, will vote to modify its city logo to include "In God We Trust" to voice objection to the “socialist” leadership of the country.

( There goes the constitution )

Suffering the loss of a pregnancy, the Coleman family decides to adopt an older child, an orphan from Russia. Orphan strains to make benign scenes frightening, consequently asphyxiating the truly scary moments.
Kate (Vera Farmiga) and John (Peter Sarsgaard) want to add another child to their family, but after the still-birth of their child and family tragedy, pregnancy wasn’t an option anymore. They decided to adopt a child from a Catholic orphanage. There, they meet Ester, a young girl from Russia who lost her family. Her special gifts capture their attention, her special way of carrying herself intrigued them, and her resolved maturity made her a perfect fit for their family. At first, daughter Max (Aryana Engineer) adores Ester and son Daniel (Jimmy Bennett) pushes her away in a perfectly typical way. It isn’t long before Max, Daniel and Kate feel an ever-swelling, unsustainable tension with Ester and John.
In the first few minutes of Orphan, there are an uncountable number of scary noises set to normal occurrences and attempts to falsely manipulate the mood of the audience. A bathroom mirror moves and it sounds like a killer is standing right behind them. A girl comes down the stairs and music shrieks. The first few times it’s obvious the director is trying to tell you, “This is a horror movie, be ready”, but about ten minutes into the film the audience was laughing at these ridiculous attempts to stage-manage the viewers. It was the cinematic equivalent of the lights used in TV studios to tell the audience to laugh or clap on queue. The director, Jaume Collet-Serra, might as well put the classic “don-dun-DUN” every few minutes; it would have the same effect.
Writers David Johnson and Alex Mace wobble between moments of natural, organic storytelling and ridiculously kludgy dialogue. Johnson and Mace handle the emotional moments between action scenes dexterously but whenever there is a fearful moment or action, the writing completely falls apart. They delicately unravel the Coleman family’s back-story by gingerly dropping bits of information into conversations on other subjects. The characters’ feelings for each other are not readily apparent and as the stress piles on, their restraint falls away. But these resonant moments are squished between monumentally idiotic scenes that suffocate the audience’s relationship with the characters. Anyone with a sixth grade understanding of human beings can figure out the ending long before it happens. No one seems able to care for themselves. Vague answers go unquestioned. Like a sadistic serial killer, Johnson and Mace strangle and revive the audience, over and over again.
The inconsistency spreads to the actors by extension. It is hard, even if you are a good actor, to act well when your script resembles a collage. More than any other character, John is hamstrung by the writing. There is a scene at the end of the movie where he has to be both drunk, shocked, turned on, turned off, freaked out, confused and resolved. It is supposed to be a shocking moment but the audience laughed so loudly, I could not hear the next line.
Still, Orphan is not a complete failure. The horror scenes are gory enough to be entertaining but not so gory as to be torture porn. There is one scene that has no blood but made everyone squirm in their seats. After the violent moments, the tension continues when one character attempts to control another by threatening loved ones. It is disgusting, angering, uncomfortable and fantastic.
Issues aside, Orphan would be a great first date movie with someone who is easily scared because at times, it is a real arm clinger. Horror/thriller fans with low standards for writing and high standards for action would enjoy Orphan. Make it an afternoon date though, to make sure not to pay full price.

Picture by Jim Wilson/The New York Times

Less than three weeks before the 2008 Presidential Election, real life hockey mom Sandy Riccardi and her moose Richard Riccardi (SanRich) aimed their musical weapon at Sarah Palin and took the internet by storm. Some have credited their song, Hockey Mama for Obama with clinching the election for Obama (but they don’t.) After Palin’s sudden resignation, SanRich had enough ammunition for another humorous lyrical mugging. Gleefully, SanRich released Sarah Palin Resignation Song; a ditty set to I Feel Pretty from the musical West Side Story on YouTube.

Sandy impersonates Palin at her now infamous resignation press conference and Richard revisits his role as the piano-playing moose. The melodic lampoon starts with the line, “I feel quitty” and ends with the YouTuber laughing.


( Read the interview )

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is the sixth movie in Harry Potter film series. Too dependent on previous films or expecting the audience to have read the books, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince fails to develop into a complete movie.
( Harry Potter and the Half Assed Film )

Austrian fashionista Brüno sets off to become the most famous Austrian in history. Hilarious and terrifying, Brüno is an insightful look at American culture.
( Prepare to be frightened )